I am in the midst of intense civil war with the possesions filling my room.. well more like a cold war really. I keep giving it all looks and warnings that it could be thrown out any moment if it makes a false move, but i haven't actually launched any serious afronts yet. There are just too many books, stuffed animals, clothes and general unneccesary debauchery protruding from each corner which i keep attempting to shove into a new box, only to find it rearing its ugly head a few moments later. I suppose the things are not the real problem.. the real problem is my lack of willingness to part with said things. examples:

top drawer of dresser.. a strange destination for random sentimental objects: a bah mitzvah cap to a bah mitzvah i never attended but it's leahs.. can't really just throw that away right??, a cut out of the wedding dress i intend to have, a certificate from some athletic camp, some strange sock/slippers from turkmenistan, earplugs, a softball medal, squirt gun from atwater assasins etc. Yes i could empty the entire thing into the trash: and i remind the drawer of this everytime i shove some other sentimental object into its depths.. but so far it is clearly winning the battle. I mean if i can't even get rid of the earplugs there's no way the softball medal is going anywhere anytime soon.

my closet: stacks of old work - i just recently spent several hours rereading essays for senior year classes. I discovered that i've used the word "out of control" before in complete seriousness. i don't think i could use that phrase in a serious manner anymore. I also realized i used to know a lot more about history: conflicts in Northern Ireland as an example.. wrote a 10 page paper on it at one point apparently.. now: ???? clueless basically. If i threw away the paper there would be no evidence that i ever had a clue; then where would i be??

basket on floor: filled with random stuff my field hockey secret buddy gave me in years past and other objects i've always felt would be good regifting items: somehow i don't think the rose that sings "you are my sunshine" out of tune is ever going to have a purpose- but throw it in the trash?? when there are starving orphans in somalia?? never!

I'm fairly aware this post has no point, but my life currently sort of has no point so i think we're even. I'm sort of weirded out by the whole gettin 8 hours of sleep, eating regularly and lack of any sort of drama. It's been a bit too long since i've just had time to sit about and figure out what i wanted to do.. with the next 5 minutes, the next day, the rest of my life etc. basically haven't come to any conclusions yet. Mostly i just listen to a lot of music in an attempt to quiet the millions of voices in my head who are currently fighting for attention. I can't really hear what any of them are saying and it sort of just gives me a headache so i think i'll let them sort it out on their own before i listen in.

I'm not sure what happened the past 5 months since j-term began but it was sort of alarming or ooc or whatever you would term it if you actually wanted to convey those terms seriously. basically too little sleep, too much work, too much of me being frightened out of my mind that it wouldn't get done, i was failing at life and i was about to go off to a foreign country for a year to just fail at life there. But somehow it managed to be fun and i think the semester payed off somehow.. still trying to sort out how.